Crazy rantings from years ago....Who Am I?

Where am I now that I wasn't some time ago when we began our journey
I took it on as I do all things with a sense of certainty
I knew that if I looked deep enough, I'd see space for growth,
yet my purpose was unclear and ambiguous
But it was that first night that I saw fear in my own eyes
something quite illusive
my insecurity stemmed from itself
the existence of fear was my impetus for searching

I voiced my place as more of an announcement than an intention to curb it
for I was indeed fearful of the power of my voice & energy
But it happened regardless of my plan and suddenly I was overtaken
It was the exact thing for which I had expressed dread that came upon me

It slid slyly under my feet and it seemed to me without warning,
yet I had to invoke it myself with my words and my movement
Quickly I set upon plans to extinguish its ferocity
I clamped down hard upon the gusts of change,
as if I could will control of the uncontrollable
I worried about my ever sense of certainty & whether I could in fact handle the lesson for which I asked so naively
but of course as I have found always seems to happen
the mechanisms for which to cope were presented as an answer to the question
that I only then began to ask

And...
Then...
Drunken Master was revealed to me
and as the empress of control battled him valiantly in a dance so spontaneously placed before you my witnesses of souls
another question much more real & vivid than the first was mysteriously bestowed
yet again

the ultimate question
the one that lies beneath every other that we think we're asking

Who Am I?
but of course it did not take such obvious form- for why go through such turmoil to simply arrive at a question formed merely by words
No, the question
this ultimate question looked like a hazy map
an un-drawn path
a maze of vines & roots & scribbles
an existence of unlimited choices
and there in what seemed like chaos
I thought that I was seeing light
I thought that the knowing was telling me to go here
and then
quickly there and all over the world

The signs themselves seemed clearly placed
but they were so quick to change that I began to doubt my ability to know the way to read the intuitive universe the way I always have
until I could see so many options
until I could see up, down, around, underneath, above, below & behind
until I could see suddenly you -me- and everything more clearly

Suddenly the Who in Who Am I was not simply one view, one perspective
or one definite gift of offering to the world
suddenly my calling from birth through epiphany
from dance through history
in psychology, philosophy, theology & parenting was this

The Who in Who Am I is my ability to see deeply more than one thing

I can not dance more beautifully than thee- but I can understand the language clearly
I can not speak more eloquently - but have mastered comprehension of the word's power
I can not remember facts to support my studies
nor theories to back up my intellectual pursuits
I can not act nor sing to make my living
I can not deceive, or hit bottom or drink myself to sleep at night
I am neither poor nor rich-successful nor a failure
In fact, I can do nothing better than everyone,
yet I can do many things just good enough

My talent, my gift, my one thing, my offering, my path, my calling
it is simply that I have an intuitive & innate desire to understand absolutely the impossibility of Everything!

October

October death & dying
renewal in the works
seeking hibernation, warmth and glowing fire
Restlessness in the leaves
Winds sweeping away any semblance of control & order
That which seemed carelessly fresh & set now swept away in chaos
Like no one really knows what the season will bring
when demons & spirits awake on Hallows Eve
The trees so creepy
holding on for dear life,
yet wise in their ways of knowing
winter will come
setting into the routine of desperation and depth
the knowledge rising from inner solace, peace, tranquility
in sorrow for the life passed by
the hope of possibilities squandered last time the sun was shining
saying to oneself this time will be different
this year I'll take the angst and spin it into inspiration
when the flowers bloom anew and the desolate winter winds release me
I will fly with the birds and be free
The autumn chaos brings all these
Brewing, stewing, unknown & rebellion, fear & beauty with colors of fire & burning desire rumbling from the roots for the release of spring