Crazy rantings from years ago....Who Am I?

Where am I now that I wasn't some time ago when we began our journey
I took it on as I do all things with a sense of certainty
I knew that if I looked deep enough, I'd see space for growth,
yet my purpose was unclear and ambiguous
But it was that first night that I saw fear in my own eyes
something quite illusive
my insecurity stemmed from itself
the existence of fear was my impetus for searching

I voiced my place as more of an announcement than an intention to curb it
for I was indeed fearful of the power of my voice & energy
But it happened regardless of my plan and suddenly I was overtaken
It was the exact thing for which I had expressed dread that came upon me

It slid slyly under my feet and it seemed to me without warning,
yet I had to invoke it myself with my words and my movement
Quickly I set upon plans to extinguish its ferocity
I clamped down hard upon the gusts of change,
as if I could will control of the uncontrollable
I worried about my ever sense of certainty & whether I could in fact handle the lesson for which I asked so naively
but of course as I have found always seems to happen
the mechanisms for which to cope were presented as an answer to the question
that I only then began to ask

And...
Then...
Drunken Master was revealed to me
and as the empress of control battled him valiantly in a dance so spontaneously placed before you my witnesses of souls
another question much more real & vivid than the first was mysteriously bestowed
yet again

the ultimate question
the one that lies beneath every other that we think we're asking

Who Am I?
but of course it did not take such obvious form- for why go through such turmoil to simply arrive at a question formed merely by words
No, the question
this ultimate question looked like a hazy map
an un-drawn path
a maze of vines & roots & scribbles
an existence of unlimited choices
and there in what seemed like chaos
I thought that I was seeing light
I thought that the knowing was telling me to go here
and then
quickly there and all over the world

The signs themselves seemed clearly placed
but they were so quick to change that I began to doubt my ability to know the way to read the intuitive universe the way I always have
until I could see so many options
until I could see up, down, around, underneath, above, below & behind
until I could see suddenly you -me- and everything more clearly

Suddenly the Who in Who Am I was not simply one view, one perspective
or one definite gift of offering to the world
suddenly my calling from birth through epiphany
from dance through history
in psychology, philosophy, theology & parenting was this

The Who in Who Am I is my ability to see deeply more than one thing

I can not dance more beautifully than thee- but I can understand the language clearly
I can not speak more eloquently - but have mastered comprehension of the word's power
I can not remember facts to support my studies
nor theories to back up my intellectual pursuits
I can not act nor sing to make my living
I can not deceive, or hit bottom or drink myself to sleep at night
I am neither poor nor rich-successful nor a failure
In fact, I can do nothing better than everyone,
yet I can do many things just good enough

My talent, my gift, my one thing, my offering, my path, my calling
it is simply that I have an intuitive & innate desire to understand absolutely the impossibility of Everything!

October

October death & dying
renewal in the works
seeking hibernation, warmth and glowing fire
Restlessness in the leaves
Winds sweeping away any semblance of control & order
That which seemed carelessly fresh & set now swept away in chaos
Like no one really knows what the season will bring
when demons & spirits awake on Hallows Eve
The trees so creepy
holding on for dear life,
yet wise in their ways of knowing
winter will come
setting into the routine of desperation and depth
the knowledge rising from inner solace, peace, tranquility
in sorrow for the life passed by
the hope of possibilities squandered last time the sun was shining
saying to oneself this time will be different
this year I'll take the angst and spin it into inspiration
when the flowers bloom anew and the desolate winter winds release me
I will fly with the birds and be free
The autumn chaos brings all these
Brewing, stewing, unknown & rebellion, fear & beauty with colors of fire & burning desire rumbling from the roots for the release of spring

Order vs. chaos. Letting go or falling to pieces.

When things feel in order, it relaxes our ego, self, soul to allow good fortune to flow.
And...rest assured, things ARE IN ORDER -
Life & death,
Birth & sickness,
poverty & charity,
greed & generosity,
good & evil,
for better or worse,
love & the empathy for pain,
suffering
and all our planning & precautions to prevent such dangers that we fear....
only diverting our attention from everything that
IS...
REAL....
The thing Is This
you will be happier
you will be at peace
if you will only accept what exists for what it is
in its simplicity
all beauty
in that we are here
and if you can really be here it is not so sad as the reality that we try to create in avoidance of what already is
---------it just is-------
already what is happening

All the books were right
be in the moment
the ying and the yang
a balance between good & evil
dark & light
do unto others

Greed, lust, sloth, envy, wrath & pride
Seven sins not because you will spend an eternity in a fiery pit with a singular entity of evil with horns
but because the more that you allow these parasites of mental anxiety overwhelm your ability to feel love as an infinite beauty through all the sadness & struggle
the more you will enter a pit of hell that betrays your soul,
your hearts natural rhythm in navigating the pervading reality of what
You Can Not Control
Everyone dies
Everyone feels sickness & betrayal
loss & pain
wants & needs
And hunger
Every person feels pain
It just exists
And It Is Okay
Things ARE in order,
you just feel chaos because you're trying so hard to control the order
you can not control nor prevent your guaranteed interaction with pain
but you CAN be one with it,
feel it,
be it,
be honest with it,
express it,
breath it, and then set it free
you can feel it genuinely and then see your way through it
with generosity & learning and suddenly when you come out of the other side
And you will
suddenly it is easy to just be

Oh, and here's the other thing
YOU CAN DO ANYTHING!
The only thing stopping us is our lessons that we have to go through
we Have to study through our daily complications & questions
so just relax
So you're not rich...
maybe it's because you don't need to be
maybe you don't feel greed enough,
remember how this is a good thing
maybe you're not so prideful as to be famous
maybe you don't need to be destitute in order to battle envy
maybe you feel destitute even in your privilege
you need not worry
but to do one thing
the thing that you are afraid to do
and wish secretly day & night to do & be

Here's the catch
it must be a dream worthy of your souls energy
it must be about feeling free & in harmony with life's chi, tao, plan, path, flow
call it God's plan if it makes it easier to let go
call it Buddhism if it fuels understanding
call it apathy if it keeps you from wanting
call it Universal Beauty if you want to see it for what it is
The point that I'm trying to make is that the only way to change how you are feeling is to change how you're perceiving your reality
If you want to feel better try evaluating where you are
Do only what is important to you

AND JUST STOP DOING THINGS THAT YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT
Find what makes you happy & be there
because THIS YOU CAN DO
And everything about life will be in order
The way it is supposed to be
And then you will feel love
because that
Is Really ALL There IS

For Allen

For Allen……….(but this isn’t really for Allen)

This is for YOU

Very few humans are so gifted in spirit & consciousness as AL

He always had a way of following the energy of life wherever it would take him.

~a way of looking at his own struggle, plight, fortune & grace with self reflection and humility

~life provided for him when he was in need and wealth flowed freely from him when he had plenty

His vibrant enjoyment of living was, well…..….. sometimes too much for the rest of us

It was often hard to imagine how someone could wake each day with so much faith

that things would eventually work out

Because of this, Al lived so many extraordinary lives that he should have died more times than we know, for his, well……..

Full embracing of life’s possibilities at any given moment

But Al wasn’t afraid

He wasn’t afraid of the consequences

He wasn’t afraid of the dangers

He wasn’t afraid of being hurt

And it seemed pretty clear that he wasn’t afraid of Dying

In fact, most recently,

He was asking more & more

Why he was still alive

And at some point

It seemed so clear to me

Our families are given to us, well……..with certain strings attached

There are things that we need to learn from our mother

our father

our brothers & sisters

our children

our husbands and wives

That no one else can teach us

The love, the friendship, the trust

The complications, the fears, the loss

The dreams,

The challenges that we face with our loved ones are vital to reckoning ourselves

in understanding the human experience

So much so

that breaking those connections or taking them for granted

or letting them slip slowly through your fingers

without embracing the truth & beauty that lies somewhere within each relationship

Can wound a person’s ability to See ………

To See what Al was so fortunate to See

In the last years of his life

Driven into deeper connections with his family

Every time he asked that question, I knew the answer was the same

He had to experience, resolve & enjoy his relationship with each of us

He was alive to be with us

To love us and to learn from us

And …….. he was alive so that we could learn from him

The light, the love, the learning

that my brother taught me – that I think he taught all of us in different ways-

Is irreplaceable, unmatchable and never-ending

He has changed me forever on such an intimate spiritual level

He taught me ………

that There is Nothing to Fear

& that Love is Everything.

He said to me, in a strained whisper, seemingly close to being freed from this world, nearly a year ago…

“When you stand before God

And look back over your life

If you acted out of love

There could be no sin

That if you are truly acting out of love

Then everything will be right”

It was so clear and obvious

His message rang so true that it needed no other confirmation

My soul already knew it to be true

My whole perspective on daily living changed

I started acting differently in line at the grocery store

When walking by strangers on the street

When arguing with my family or scolding my children

I changed how I was feeling about my purpose in life

And how every single moment meant so much more

I asked openly to the sky to be enveloped in love

And all my frustrations and fears just melted away

I try daily to listen to others from a place of love

And found that I heard things

from my mother

my father

my boss & my best friends

my children

my brothers and sister

my husband

That I had never heard before

And as I struggle daily to place my soul within that love energy

I know that Allen

Had always known

One of the most perfect truths

If you can allow yourself to surrender all your walls & fears,

All your worries and prideful assumptions

To the love energy that connects and feeds us

The love that breathes in every living thing

You Will Be Free

And I think that the moment

That Allen finally let go of this world

Was the Moment

That he Finally

Felt that Love

Completely

Be free Allen, I love you….

Written by Kirsten L. Edgar

July 17^th 2009

Love is Everything

A wise man recently imparted some truth
upon my humble ears
And in so many words he told me that
"Love is Everything"
As I speak those words, our earthly ears begin to argue
"Well it surely is important" we say, in our complicated and overrun brains
"But Everything?"
What about trust & faith, work & struggle, daily life and goals & earthly pursuits?
What about money & survival, injustice, stress and unresolved fears?
But even as we fight the idea because it seems too simplistic to encompass everything
A part of our souls knows it to be true
Like all truths so simply spoken yet seemingly impossible to fulfill

Love is Everything.

Love is surrendering our walls of lifelong protection to the energy that surges through life
Knowing that when we feel hurt by others, it is because they are hurting themselves
Love is the easy nurturing that a tree gives to its seed
as part of itself dies without remorse
Love is listening to the struggles of others
without judgment or consideration of oneself
Love is honoring yourself without guilt or punishment
so that your heart may remain open when faced with anger
Love is being able to take the blame so that the passage to love
may be opened and freed of regret
Love is acceptance for all that you do not understand
Knowing that you have no control over the actions of others
Except that you may surround them in your love
until they feel safe enough to soften into you
and allow themselves to be in love

Love when it is true and selfless and pure
with no goal or agenda but love itself
Is never wrong
never failing
never misguided or confused
It simply Is

And the reason why we invite all who we know and love
to bear witness to moments such as this
Moments when the emotions of life are so overwhelming
that we may catch ourselves off guard without argument or retort
Forgetting to protect ourselves from each other
Forgetting to be preoccupied and distant in our daily travels
Is so that we may remember what in fact is truer than all
So that we may be inspired by love throughout today and for years to come
And clearly see in the love
that these two people share
that
it is possible
that Love truly is Everything

We all wish for you both,
the easy flow that love brings
that you will always find home in one another's arms
That you will forever see tears of joy in each other's eyes
That you will always feel peace in the understanding of another human soul
that you will have the simplicity that comes in knowing that
Someone else wants more for you than you could ever ask for yourself
That you will breathe together and allow all other things to melt away
That you will grow and change along your unseen paths
and always find your way back to one another

But life is not always simple or easy
nor happy or peaceful
and in such times we all forget to breathe

And so above all I wish for you
the knowledge that love brings
that through struggle and pain
change and fear
loneliness and loss

You need only remember
the love that you feel so deeply in your hearts today
You need only close your eyes
and soften your walls and let that love hold you close

You need only remember that

Love is Everything

and in turn

Love will be all you see